going round in circles

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     TO DO LIST

  • Hate hypocrisy
  • Be a part of a hypocrite group
  • Judge them secretly
  • Feel alienated
  • Make a snap decision and think that they are/it is the ideal
  • Try to fit in
  • Be a hypocrite
  • Regret and be mad at yourself
  • Don't be hard on yourself
  • Fool yourself when you are ready and say out loud "I am not the problem, bla bla bla is the cause of that"
  • Blame the hypocrisy, hate, and repeat


It is a difficult question to answer who I am or what I do. Not because there isn't any logical explanation of it, it is difficult because there are many. Being a versatile and sophisticated person might cause the same problem for some people but in my case, that is not the topic. I mostly refer to "pretending" kinds of personalities of me, as we all have.

In a world full of perfect artificial individuals, I have been trying to tell which is which all my life. It was my favorite game to lie consciously on unnecessary occasions when I was a child. To see if they realize or not... You know what: It was indeed a simple job as much as any other child game, as easy as pie. I still remember realizing how easy to pretend and the satisfaction of fooling someone. Over years, it slipped beneath my radar how I changed from the manipulative liar to the pending approval type of person. Probably, I stuck with the stereotypes like the designer, the sister, the daughter, and so on. The only benefit of my old childish game is to make it easier to fit in and act like. "Like..." is an excellent word to describe my inner dead end; being like/acting like/looking like... Anything else you would like to add?

That is why I got lost while thinking of who I am and what I do. Because I no longer do most of the things just because I want, do unconsciously to fit into society. Do I really think over a trend, a common idea, and realize it sounds coherent? Or do I just implement it owing to its standard? Can you call a person creative if s/he imitates an idealized persona? Or does the way to thinking out of the box require imitating at first? Lastly, if everybody just tries to fit in, who created the "thing" we try to fit it?

I prefer the mistakes that make sense to me rather than the right paths drawn by others. Perhaps this is the best way to understand who I am.

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